We’re Bonding...TRAUMA Bonding, That is
When we have created trauma bonds with other people whether they are family, friends, intimate partners, we find ourselves trying to heal in them what we wish would have been healed within us.
It is natural to connect with someone based on similar experiences in life. We like similarities but it also gives us validation that our experiences were not made up, that they really happened. Sometimes we just want to hear someone say, “I understand,” even if they really do not. And the reality is, they do not utterly understand because they did not live that experience the same way that you did. They can only empathize.
We all are looking for empathy and the empathy that we seek from others tends to allow us to feel a level of comfort, safety, and security with another person. That level of comfort and safety allows us to be more open about the things that we have experienced. We can share our thoughts and feelings about how those past experiences have shaped us over time. But what that relationship does not force us to confront with our partner, is how past experiences foster our intimate connection with each other. And because we are not able to confront our experiences and the person we are in a relationship with is not able to confront their experiences, what we do is create a level of interaction between the two of us where we are actually confronting our respective experiences with each other. We play out what it is that we should address with the person or situation that hurts us, thus creating a new trauma bond.
So all of the things that your partner has expressed to you about their level of hurt and all of the things that you have expressed to them about your level of hurt is being reenacted in the relationship between the two of you. This behavior tends to show up in your communication with each other; the thoughts that you have about this person, even your actions in terms of how you interject yourself into their lives with or without their asking. When we have created trauma bonds with other people whether they are family, friends, intimate partners, we find ourselves trying to heal in them what we wish would have been healed within us.
So, what do we do?
We have to get clear a picture of our own traumas... and there are many things that have happened in our lives that could be considered a trauma (but only you can say what was a traumatizing experience to you).
Make a list of all your trauma bonds (we start with family because it is a balance between difficult and easy).
Then you look for connections between your trauma and their trauma - do you see the intersection? How is yours different from theirs?
Decide: Can the relationship survive if the trauma bond is released? If yes, see part A. If no, see part B.
A. Self-Assessment
What do you like about this relationship?
What do you like about the person?
Would the person be open to a conversation about the changes you would like to make in the friendship?
What have you learned from this relationship?
What boundaries do you need to have for yourself to prevent the same pattern of behavior from starting again?
What is one thing you can change today?
B. Self-Assessment
What do you like about the way this relationship is functioning today?
What are you getting from the relationship functioning the way that it is?
If things were to change between you and this person how might your role in their life be different?
How long do you think that this relationship can sustain itself before the two of you have to part to search for your own levels of healing?
What would happen to you if that person you are in a relationship with decided that they want it to be healed and did not want to engage in this type of relationship or interaction any further?
How is your inability or lack of desire to change hurting you?
Healing your trauma bonds will change not only the nature of your relationships with others but your relationship with yourself.
Djuan