When you hurt, I hurt...
How many of us have people in our lives or had people in our lives where you saw the pain and hurt that they were going through? You wanted to support them, guide them, save them from the level of hurt that they were subjected to?
Many times, people will say “don’t tell people your business.” This is especially true if you plan on staying with a partner who is a dysfunctional individual. The problem with that mindset is that you learn to live life in secrecy.
And when you live life in secrecy you end up suffering alone. That suffering tends to last for a long time. And with that level of suffering that you go through, you begin to internalize the anger you feel towards the situation and your dysfunctional partner which evolves into a deep sadness.
So, the bigger question is what do you do??? The reason why this question is so important is because many of us are fixers with the tendency to live outside of ourselves. We give a lot to the people that we are connected to because it feels so natural to want to help figure out a way to rescue them from a bad situation.
But the reality is, no matter what you do, it is up to your partner, friend, or family member to decide that they are worth more than what they have allowed to happen in their lives. Yes, I know that answer does not make you feel good nor does it give you true next steps. But just wait for it...
Please keep the following in mind:
Take a step back
Get clear on why you are bothered by how someone chooses to live their lives. Is it that you see yourself in their experience and you want to “save” them the way that you wished someone would have saved you? Do you have a pattern of helping others to avoid dealing with your own personal stuff?
Is it necessary for you to intervene?
Sometimes we intervene and it was solicited. Sometimes not. Does your potential helpee have the desire and capability to resolve their own issues?
Decide what’s the best thing for YOU.
Does supporting someone from afar help maintain your overall well being? Sometimes you must choose yourself at the expense of letting a loved one learn their own lessons.
Be kind to yourself. The helper in you can take a break- this is not your FIGHT
Some things are meant for us to tackle and some things are not. For your own peace, learn to discern between the two.
As a reminder... think about your experiences, how did you react when someone was trying to “save” you?
We must let our loved ones find their inner warrior...
Djuan