My First True Love

We all have that first love. He is the guy that smiles when he sees you. He laughs at everything you do. He talks to all his friends about you. He is something like your best friend and he is the guy you know you will love forever. Every woman’s first love is their father. He is the guy we may model our relationships after. He is our biggest cheerleader. He is our everything and even into adulthood, there is a desire to have your dad still be your best friend. 

On the other hand, some of us may have grown up without a father in our lives. We may have had ‘bonus’ fathers, but there is always curiosity about the father you never knew. The absent father still impacts us because we crave for someone to be proud of us; for someone to accept us for who we are; for someone to love us unconditionally; for someone to support us with everything that we do. Not having a physical father in our lives has a significant impact on our overall development.

The two types of experiences mentioned set the foundation for the conversation on father wounds.  Father wounds are the result of physical or emotional absence of the father.

 

Where does the father wound come from?

When we think of men, we think of “the big wheel,” “macho man,” “alpha male,” etc. Consequently, the messages we receive about men create expectations that are unrealistic. Men, especially fathers have a lot to live up to and we never truly understand how men see themselves. There are no handbooks on how to be a “great father,” especially if there are few role models to look to for support. Similarly, to becoming a mother, becoming a father is a journey and there are different times within that journey where the father can give more of himself and other times where he has nothing to give. The father wound shows up because of:

  • Feeling poorly prepared for manhood

  • Not having a father or father figure present

  • Masculine insufficiency

  • Toxic/unhealthy relationship with the child’s mother

  • Personal issues within their own journey that have not been worked through

 

How does the father wound impact women?

 The father wound impacts in our relationships with others and ourselves.  The father wound is not as commonly referred to as the mother wound, but it is important to think about the role your father played in your life. The presence of father’s or father figures is very significant to our overall interpersonal growth.

  •  Influences the type of partner we are attracted to/attracts to us

    • Emotionally unavailable

    • Financially dependent

    • Manipulator

    • Passive

    • Unstable

    • Selfish

  • Influences how we interact with others  

    • Communication

    • Irrational beliefs

    • Low self-esteem

    • Difficulty being vulnerable to self and others

    • Avoidance (work, drinking, partying, etc.)

  • Influences our cognitive beliefs

    • “I am not worthy.”

    • “I am not good enough.”

    • “Nobody will want me.”

    • “I’m unlovable”

 How do we heal from the father wound?

  1.  Identifying and accepting the role your father played in your life.

    1. See your father for who he is as a man

      1. Recognize that being a father is only one of the roles he occupies

      2. Examine what you know about him

    2. Identify where your archetypes of a father came from

      1. Did you watch sitcoms and wish that the father on the show was your dad?

      2. Did/do you have friends whose father is in their lives and you find yourself longing for that same type of relationship?

      3. What attributes do you associate with fatherhood?

  2. Letting go who you thought your father should, could, would have been.

    1. Stop waiting for him to change

      1. Acknowledge that change comes because the person wants to change, not because they are being asked to change

      2. You are only responsible for you; therefore, you can work on changing your heart towards your father if you desire

    2. Allow yourself the space to experience the feelings related to the loss of not having the father you wanted/needed

      1. Grief and loss are significant in this healing process because there is a loss that you may have been unaware of and the feelings associated with that loss need to be expressed

      2. Journal your thoughts and feelings

      3. Be honest with yourself

  3. With this new information, identifying ways in which you can reparent yourself that you did not receive from your father.

    1. Develop unconditional love for self

      1. Positive affirmations to uplift who you are

      2. Examine your behaviors, feelings and thoughts

    2. Re-parent the inner child

      1. Spend time with yourself

      2. Become your biggest cheerleader

      3. Speak love and kindness to self

    3. Change your beliefs about who you should be in the world

      1. Accept who you are

      2. Express gratitude daily for various things in your life

      3. Remind yourself of things you love about yourself

 
“Fall in love with yourself daily. You are the only one who knows what you need to heal those wounds from the past. If you listen closely, your soul will sing you its song as it heals along the way.”
— Djuan
 
Amber Jinae