I had a client ask, “why was it important to love yourself?” She expressed that before starting therapy, nobody ever spoke about self-love and the skills needed to develop self-love. She did not know that it was a “thing” that she needed to “do” until I had brought up the concept. After the session, the question still lingered in my mind, it was so simple and innocent but profound all at once. In my exploration for more understanding about what my clients thought about self-love, it became clear to that self-love is not taught along with having a love for family or friends.

When you are an adolescent and into adulthood, there are countless messages about how to treat yourself—especially if you identify as female/Non-binary. The messages are usually about body image, attitude, and friendships. These messages miss the mark on communicating the importance of cultivating an internal relationship with self.   

Let’s start with self-love. If we break down the word, self –union of mind and body, and love— a verb. Self-love is to engage in actions that show love towards you (mind, body, and spirit). To delve a bit further, there is this quote, “Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfections and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”- Ann Landers. If we look at this quote, it is full of action imparted onto self or onto another.

Who am I? One of the major questions that come up when embarking on a journey to self. For numerous people, their identity is wrapped up in their roles which give validation as to their purpose. Consequently, what happens when the roles are no longer enough to help identify who you are? Ignorance comes from the lack of understanding who you are at your core. Understanding ignorance is fascinating because when we release things that are of material value and start holding ourselves to be of value—we ultimately find and appreciate the self. Love turned inward creates a higher level of acceptance and trust for who you are. Having a relationship with yourself creates and foster the level of trust to develop unconditional love.

Tips for Developing Self-Love

• Give yourself permission to be who you are

  • Bring awareness to the areas where pain and hurt dwell

  • Forgive yourself for the actions, thoughts and feeling you experienced out of shame, anger, grief/loss

  • Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses

  • What stories have you told yourself about you?

  • What is your relationship with yourself?

• Create healthy physical and emotional boundaries

  • Commit to doing something for yourself that brings you to a place of calm mentally and emotionally

  • Practice compassion, love, and kindness towards self through positive affirmations, positive self-talk

• Question your current belief system

  • Does the beliefs you grew up with still fit with who you are today?

  • What are you “overdoing”?

  • Are your beliefs about you yours, or are they influenced by others?

• Trust your voice

  • Whose voice do you hear? Is it yours? Is it critical?

  • How can you bring your voice to the forefront and shut the others out?

• Work through the parts of you that you that are unlovable—shadow work

  • Learn about the parts of you that are repressed, buried, avoided

  • Explore your feelings about yourself

• Reparent your inner child

  • Allow your creativity to flow (paint, draw, cook (for fun), dance, etc.)

  • Allow yourself to laugh

  • Remind yourself that “You are ENOUGH”