What is a Toxic Person? 

If I were to ask you, “What is a toxic person?” your mind would instantly bring up different interactions with people whom you perceived to be manipulative, dismissive, emotionally abusive, psychologically abusive, negative all of the time, and judgmental. Any of these answers can be true but being toxic is just as much about the inward behaviors, thoughts, and feelings as it is outward. The term “toxic” is not a psychological diagnosis, but it describes relational encounters that are harmful to a person's mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial wellbeing. 

A toxic person is anyone who has both negative and positive influences in your life but also exhausts you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. The exhaustion they create is in their drama, trauma, and chaos, which they bring you into consistently and make you feel as though you are part of the problem. 

This individual can be manipulative, deceptive, egocentric, and domineering in their presentation, yet subtle.   This kind of subtly influences your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings by making disapproving and doubtful statements, engaging in disapproving body language, and making you feel as though you have betrayed them by doing something you thought was right. This individual actively creates doubt in the minds of others and dismisses the feelings of those who are emotionally distressed. Toxic people's behaviors, thoughts, and feelings have the power to deplete others of their happiness, motivation, self-esteem, and confidence. 

While it may feel as though toxic people enjoy hurting others, most people with toxic behaviors and traits did not decide to become toxic nor did they decide to actively hurt the people in their lives.  Identifying a toxic person may seem difficult at first, but the key is to observe how they treat you when others are around and when it is just the two of you.  

What behaviors should you pay attention to? 

An important thing to remember as you continue reading, "toxic person" is an umbrella term for someone who is multifaceted but deeply wounded emotionally as well.  Although their emotional wounds do not absolve them from their behaviors, you would be doing yourself a disservice if you were unable to humanize them. Remember “Hurt people, hurt people.” Toxic people hurt others they care about in a myriad of ways through their behaviors because they seem almost intentional. The abuse and hurt are felt deeply, thus leaving you with no words to describe the pain at times. The reasoning behind the deep level hurt has more to do with you holding onto more positive interactions with the toxic person as a reminder of who and what the relationship once was rather than accepting things for what they are now. A toxic person may use this knowledge to their advantage and try to manipulate, exploit, gaslight, and make you their psychological punching bag. Your encounters with them may be very difficult, and if you are not careful, you can become equally toxic as well.

Here are 11 questions to consider when you are unsure someone is toxic: 

Do you feel manipulated in any interaction you have with them?

Pause for a moment, think about an interaction you have had where someone asked you to borrow money. As this person is telling their story, you start to feel bad for them and transfer the requested amount of money over to them, but a few hours later you learn that they asked someone else for a similar amount using this same story. Manipulation occurs when someone skillfully tries to change your emotions and make you give in to their requests.   Engaging with a toxic person can create thoughts and feelings that are not your own without you even knowing it. Toxic people most commonly engage in emotional and psychological manipulation. 

Does conflict seem to find them anywhere they go?

Conflict seems to be imminent with a toxic person. The conflict arises out of a difference in thought process, attitudes, understanding, interests, requirements, and even sometimes perceptions. The conflict can often feel frustrating, confusing, and even exhausting. For example, whenever you go home to visit family you always stop by your grandparent's house. However, your father gets upset because you do not stop by his house to visit. He then calls and says mean and hurtful things to you which starts an argument. You start feeling as though you did something wrong and now you have to do some self-soothing to calm you down and remind yourself that you did nothing wrong.

Do they refuse to take responsibility but quick to blame others?

How do you feel about the person that has to be right all of the time? Maybe you find it to be exhausting, annoying, and irritating. On the other hand, you might resolve the old saying “that is just the way they are.” However, this is more intentional than it is an aspect of a personality trait. This individual is also used to blaming others for their issues. Blaming others is easier than taking responsibility because it also allows them to be the victim and the victor. The person who refuses to take responsibility for their actions is more concerned with their own emotions and has no space to see they are hurting others.

Do they come across as passive aggressive? 

Do you often find yourself asking for assistance from someone and they agree but then make a bunch of excuses as to why they cannot assist you anymore?  Passive-aggressive people are more than likely trying to mask underlying anger, resentment, or insecurities. Passive-aggressive people are not as open about their emotions and would rather drop hints, engage in silent treatment, deny their feelings if you inquire about their wellbeing, and other tactics to show their discomfort.  Typically, a person engaging in this behavior may not see any issues with their behaviors, may not be aware of it, or may not have the tools to address the issue. They may even have difficulty with direct communication.

Do you feel like you're wrong for feeling your feelings?

What does it feel like for someone to invalidate you? Maybe you answered, “it’s frustrating, annoying, and hurtful.” The other person is actively denying, rejecting, and dismissing what you feel. They are also telling you your feelings are unacceptable, insignificant, and do not matter. For example, you are expressing to a sibling how their comments during an argument hurt your feelings. In response, your sibling said, "I am sorry you feel that way or you shouldn't feel that way." It is almost as if they are unable or refuse to understand your feelings and the reasoning you feel what you feel.  Your feelings are not of importance to them unless it benefits them. 

Does their words cut you deep in places you didn't know could even hurt?

Toxic people tend to criticize those around them quite often. The criticism is not constructive but destructive because it is thoughtless and feels malicious. Their criticism of you feels as though you did something wrong or that you are wrong (thoughts, feelings, behaviors). It makes you overthink everything and causes extreme doubt. For example, you have been thinking about leaving your job to go into business for yourself. You turn to a family member for advice. You are thinking they have sound advice but when they start speaking, it is almost as if they are chastising you for even thinking about entrepreneurship. You feel small. You can feel your heart beating fast and your palms are sweating. This is not what you expected. Not once did they say anything of encouragement. You are in shock and all you can say is "thank you."

Do they make you feel like what happened really didn't happen?

You may have heard of the term “gaslighting” which is the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, feelings, or an experience. For example, they might say, “I do not know what you are talking about.” You may start to feel a lack of control, stability, and normalcy when your reality is undermined. You may even start to second-guess what is actually happening because the other person is constantly denying things they have said or done. They also create stories and can be extremely dishonest about things which makes you feel as though you no longer can trust yourself. 

Does it feel wrong for you to set boundaries with them without feeling guilty?

Toxic people violate boundaries all of the time both knowingly and unknowingly. You know your boundaries have been violated when there is a shift in the relationship, thus what becomes allowed is now ambiguous and solely based on the needs of the toxic person. Violation of boundaries can look like your values, beliefs, and opinions are being disrespected. It can also consist of someone standing too close, touching you without your permission, using your items without permission, etc. Mental and emotional boundaries are most commonly violated by toxic people.

Is your energy drained by the time you are done being around them?

Toxic people have behaviors that can feel exhausting to be around, which leaves you feeling drained and tired. They have high intense energy and expect you to match their levels all of the time but it is hard to “be on” all of the time. They lack boundaries and self-awareness which makes their presence feel intrusive and overwhelming. They find ways to assert themselves in your life without caring about your needs. People who are energy drainers have personalities that are infectious, challenging to ignore, and difficult to not be impacted by it. 

Do you often feel like they are playing mind games with you? 

You may like brain teasers but psychological games that generate high levels of distress may not be your thing. Toxic people tend to treat those around them like psychological punching bags. Psychological abuse may look like someone calling you names, embarrassing you in front of friends and family, telling your business to everyone, threatening to harm you, threatening to leave you, and humiliating you. For example, you may have come to your parents about a relationship issue where your partner has been verbally abusive. Instead of your parents consoling and supporting you, they take the side of your partner and start to verbally abuse you as well by adding to the negative statements made about you. Ultimately, they make you feel even worse.

Do you often feel like they take your kindness as a sign of weakness?

Have you ever treated someone with compassion and sympathy and overall kindness against you? A toxic person is very likely to reel you into their issues without leaving space for you to talk about your life. For example, they may never listen to you but expect you to have a listening ear for them. It seems as though they only care about themselves and they need other people to share in their thoughts and feelings as well. Other times, you may feel cared for but it is only when they want something in return. They are also likely to only want to hang out when it's convenient for them. You may also find that they never are interested in you but only what you can do for them.

Are these just common human flaws? Or are they really toxic? 

After reading the different behaviors a toxic person may engage in, you may be thinking, “I know a lot of people who fit these examples.” The key thing to remember is that everyone engages in behaviors that may not be the healthiest for themselves or those they are interacting with and that is where we leave room for “normal” human flaws. The difference between toxicity and typical human flaws is the consistency, intensity and behavior. Someone with toxic behaviors has control over their actions but may not choose to do anything to change how they are engaging with others. On the other hand, character traits are often innate and change over time due to experiences, belief systems and different life transitions. Both toxicity and common human flaws can be changed over time if the person wants to change, has a willingness to identify them, understand their impact on themselves and others, and consciously stop engaging in those behaviors. Recipients of the toxic behavior have to make sure they are not trying to justify, argue, defend or explain the toxic person’s behaviors because this pattern of behavior is something that the toxic person is used to from other people in their life which has allowed them to continue engaging in harmful behaviors.  Harm is also done when the recipient tries to change the person with the toxic traits because there is an expectation that you can change someone when in reality the person will only change if it’s their idea. 

What causes them to be like this? 

You may know this already but people are not born toxic nor do they decide to be toxic but over time they learn and incorporate those behaviors and beliefs as their own from the people around them. Individuals who are toxic have been nurtured through lived experiences to deny their emotions, disconnect from their emotions and feelings, second guess their emotions, and hide what they feel. These learned behaviors are in response to the fear of expressing themselves to others after past failed attempts to have their thoughts, feelings and behaviors validated. If a person has had many experiences where they have expressed their emotions in an environment that did not provide warmth, non-judgmental attitudes, and a mirroring of openness of authentic feelings, then the individual learns that self-expression is not ideal. A toxic person may have desired to connect but they were never afforded consistent space to feel safe in order to allow that level of vulnerability to be present. When an individual is not provided a safe space to express themselves, it creates cyclical unhealthy relationships where the individual learns they are not an authority of their thoughts and feelings; what they need is not important, therefore it is easier to not vocalize their needs; silence themselves in order to make others happy; and not trust themselves. A toxic person recreates their early lived experiences with people they encounter to ultimately assist with survival. However, lived experiences only account for part of a toxic person’s behaviors, therefore, this individual is still responsible for their actions and impact on others. 

Can Toxic People Change?

 You may be wondering whether or not toxic people can change? The short answer is “yes,” change can happen only if the individual wants to change. If a toxic person wants to change, they will need support from friends, family, therapist, etc., but the work has to be done by themselves. Ideally, the individual would need to have a level of awareness that their behaviors are harmful to the people in their lives and has been to people who no longer communicate with them. Being able to identify maladaptive coping mechanisms is also helpful for the person who is toxic because it shows a willingness to engage in self-introspection and learn what they have been trying to protect themselves from by engaging in toxic behaviors and beliefs. Toxic people have to learn how to communicate their emotions verbally to themselves and others while regaining a sense of safety to be open and honest without fear of invalidation. When a toxic person is ready to make the commitment to change their behaviors, they are actually committing to a journey of healing from the hurt they have experienced in their lives in addition to owning their roles in different situations. It is almost as if they are no longer able to be the victim nor villain of their story and others because they are open to identifying a new role that not only benefits others but one that allows them to continue healing and growing from their mistakes.

Toxic people have a significant impact on the people around them. If you find yourself in need of assistance with working through a toxic relationship please email us at admin@dahliarosewellness.com or click here for a free consultation so we can support you with reclaiming your power, releasing guilt and shame, and creating a life that you are wildly obsessed with.